Thursday, December 30, 2010

Me & my big mouth...

Earlier this evening, I sat at a round table with a group of friends. It was a "post-Christmas" Christmas party, and before dinner we sat chit-chatting about this, that, and the other thing. Apparently, my reputation as a savvy facebook status updater has gone before me, and the conversation eventually turned to my most recent update regarding the events of my day. In a nutshell, my 3 children have been on Christmas vacation all week, my daughter had a friend over to play today...all day, and needless to say, it was all coming to a head today and grating on my nerves...just a wee bit. I had reflected on this ever-so-lightly with my facebook status.

So when the conversation at our little round table turned to my thoughts and feelings as a mother this week, I opened my mouth and spoke. Words that 10 years ago, I never would've believed or even dreamed that I would dare speak. And yet, tonight...I did.

"Sometimes, I wonder what in the world I was even thinking...wanting to be a mother."

As soon as I said them...oh God how I wanted to gather my words from the air and swallow them back up, never to utter them again.

Here I was sitting at a table with some of the dearest mothers I know. More importantly, these were mothers that had prayed for me when I was walking through my darkest times as a woman who desperately wanted a child and unable to conceive and carry that child. These were the women who then rejoiced with me at the birth of my 1st, then my 2nd, and even yet my 3rd child when each was born. The amount of regret I had after speaking those words weighed heavily in the air.

Yes, my week has been long. Just as it has been for every other parent this week.

Yes, I was tired and aggravated at my children this evening. Perhaps it's time for a lesson review on patience.

And yes - these 3 little people spend most of their day arguing, nitpicking, teasing, and tattling on each other. But aren't these the 3 little people who I prayed and begged God for when I didn't even think I would ever become a mother?

As one of the wisest women I know stated to me this evening, sometimes God answers us "if you insist!" (I think that was her spiritual way of saying, be careful what you wish for!)

I tucked all three of them in tonight - tickled my youngest, brushed the hair out of the eyes of my oldest, and smiled down on my only princess.

Dear Lord, let me not become so complacent that I forget how I once dreamed for these precious children, how I longed for them and desperately wanted each one of them. These little people each have a part of me, let it not be the impatient and frustrated part. Let them see my devotion to them, how I would move heaven and earth for them. And please...let them see the same adoration in my eyes for them - the adoration that was there on the day each of them was born.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dear Genea-Santa,

I think I've been a very good girl this year...okay, well at least when it comes to genealogy (all those other things...let's not discuss that right now). But I have worked hard and been diligent in my own personal research, not so much in the past few months - but you know how important it is to take a break don't you Genea-Santa? I have also spent a fair amount of time contributing my skills to various genealogy websites and even researching other family histories besides my own!! Keeping this in mind, I'd like to personally request a few items this year if you can reach down deep into your big red bag for me.

First of all, I would reeeeeeeally love to be able to look into this certification thing further...and that would involve Boston University and their program. So if you happen to have a couple of extra dollars in your wallet, feel free to just leave that in my stocking. It's the only green one out of the bunch, so you won't get them confused with my Lego loving, American Girl wanting, Superhero needin', Sabres fanatical family.

Now, just so you don't think I'm being overly greedy asking for the cash this year, there is another option. Professional Genealogy by Ms. Mills would be an awesome addition to my genealogy library. While I'm saving and waiting for the Boston University thing, this would be great reading and research material for my future as a certified genealogist.

Material items aside, I have a personal favor I was wondering if you wouldn't mind checking into with your family history expert elves up there at the North Pole. The parents of John fourth great-grandparents. Any chance you could clear up some records in the state of Virginia that might help in identifying with absolute certainty who they are? I know who we they THINK they are, but where is the evidence? This would be an incredible gift not only for myself, but for my dear sweet cousin, Irene. She's been looking for this proof for years, Genea-Santa, and she's 92 years old, so we both know that her research time on this earth is limited and coming to an end. If anyone is deserving of a special Christmas genealogy wish, it's her.

If you could find it in your heart to grant just one of my genealogy wishes this year, I'd be so grateful. And even if I wake up Christmas morning only to find another unscalable brick wall in my stocking, it's okay. There's always next year!