Earlier this evening, I sat at a round table with a group of friends. It was a "post-Christmas" Christmas party, and before dinner we sat chit-chatting about this, that, and the other thing. Apparently, my reputation as a savvy facebook status updater has gone before me, and the conversation eventually turned to my most recent update regarding the events of my day. In a nutshell, my 3 children have been on Christmas vacation all week, my daughter had a friend over to play today...all day, and needless to say, it was all coming to a head today and grating on my nerves...just a wee bit. I had reflected on this ever-so-lightly with my facebook status.
So when the conversation at our little round table turned to my thoughts and feelings as a mother this week, I opened my mouth and spoke. Words that 10 years ago, I never would've believed or even dreamed that I would dare speak. And yet, tonight...I did.
"Sometimes, I wonder what in the world I was even thinking...wanting to be a mother."
As soon as I said them...oh God how I wanted to gather my words from the air and swallow them back up, never to utter them again.
Here I was sitting at a table with some of the dearest mothers I know. More importantly, these were mothers that had prayed for me when I was walking through my darkest times as a woman who desperately wanted a child and unable to conceive and carry that child. These were the women who then rejoiced with me at the birth of my 1st, then my 2nd, and even yet my 3rd child when each was born. The amount of regret I had after speaking those words weighed heavily in the air.
Yes, my week has been long. Just as it has been for every other parent this week.
Yes, I was tired and aggravated at my children this evening. Perhaps it's time for a lesson review on patience.
And yes - these 3 little people spend most of their day arguing, nitpicking, teasing, and tattling on each other. But aren't these the 3 little people who I prayed and begged God for when I didn't even think I would ever become a mother?
As one of the wisest women I know stated to me this evening, sometimes God answers us "if you insist!" (I think that was her spiritual way of saying, be careful what you wish for!)
I tucked all three of them in tonight - tickled my youngest, brushed the hair out of the eyes of my oldest, and smiled down on my only princess.
Dear Lord, let me not become so complacent that I forget how I once dreamed for these precious children, how I longed for them and desperately wanted each one of them. These little people each have a part of me, let it not be the impatient and frustrated part. Let them see my devotion to them, how I would move heaven and earth for them. And please...let them see the same adoration in my eyes for them - the adoration that was there on the day each of them was born.