Party of Five

302 days.   That's how long it has been since we said goodbye. I am not the type of person that wants to live my life in mourning -  But I still really miss her. I went for my annual physical today.  My dr. asked if I was depressed. I started crying (I do NOT cry in front of people). Before I knew it, I had another appointment with my dr. as a follow-up in 4 months. I guess this means she thinks I am depressed? Except I'm really not. It's just that some days I am more sad than others. And this was one of those days.

This morning, I opened my eyes and reached for my phone - it was 4:30am.   The reality of the silence around me hit me immediately.  I had fallen asleep last night hearing her struggle to breathe in her bedroom, and this morning there was only silence in the house. I love you Mom.

 This morning, when our day started, it soon became evident that today would be different from the previous few days.  It was going to be a long day. Our Hospice nurse had previously mentioned to us that mom's room was too quiet, and suggested having some music playing for her.  Today, I found a playlist on Spotify that I knew mom would like (Thank you, Carrie Underwood for your "My Savior" album, providing the selection of hymns that we grew up on),  and I left my phone plugged in by her bed. I won't need it today. Her breathing has been shallow today (what that awful "blue book" likened to as "a fish out of water").  Once you see the comparison, it's not something you will ever forget.  She was awake all day, so I spent the majority of the day sitting with her, holding her hand, talking to her...letting her know that we would be okay, but reminding her that she had 3 grand babies in heaven she could now go be a grandma to. Both of us were wit...

We're taking shifts.  My brother stays up for her last dose of morphine late at night, I get up for the early pre-dawn dose.  Seeing mom as a mere shell of herself is hard, especially by the bathroom light. Whether in the late nights or early morning, it doesn't usually phase her to give the medicine in her mouth while she sleeps.  Instinct takes over, and she swallows it without a problem. This morning was different, however, and it took us an hour to get her back to being comfortable and sleeping.  She calls out for her brother, Dan, or her sister, Marilyn - they're her safe people in her memory. Hospice has still been coming around each day for a visit, checking on her, explaining to us what we might expect in the upcoming days - explaining that all of the little things we're noticing are all "normal".  They have also provided us with what has been constantly referred to as "the blue book". It's a small book, maybe 10 pages - things to look fo...

Hospice people are an amazing group of people.  That much I know.   Mom is not in any pain, but she's also not very aware either - but there are moments. She knows I'm here.   I'm praying over her and talking with her every time I'm in the room with her.  Sometimes I can only say the name of Jesus while I lay hands on her disheveled short white hair and hold her tiny hand.   She smiled in her sleep after her brother in Oklahoma talked to her on speaker phone. She opened her eyes and said her other brother's name when he came to visit.  Those little moments are beautiful to see.  I had a dream last night that I was in this house, I turned around to see my mom upright and walking, not in a nightgown, but jeans and a sweater, and looking her very best with every hair in its perfect place, and her eyebrows drawn on perfectly.  I don't ever want to forget how amazing she looked standing tall again at her 4'11" self without a walker and w...

 4:37am I woke up naturally, no alarm, picked up my phone to see that it is a terribly early 4:37am; 23 minutes before my regular alarm is set to go off to awaken me for work. Suddenly I remember that I'm not going to work that day. I'm going home. 6:09am I texted my brother to let him know that even though I had hoped to leave earlier, I should still arrive by noon.  7:00am The smell of coffee is filling my car.  I don't drink coffee.  I realized it was just a skunk in the area, so that's how random my thoughts were as I was driving.  Or maybe that's how much I really don't like coffee. 10:00am My Inner Self gave me a reminder while I was driving. This is the last time you'll make the drive to visit your mom. Thanks a lot for pointing out the obvious, Self. 11:43am One last bathroom stop on this never-ending drive; stopped at a Taco Bell.  The employee behind the counter smiled at me and said "Have a great day!" as I was walking out. That's an...

89 days    left to serve as an officer with my local PTA unit.   42 days   left to serve as I finish my work with New York State PTA. (Give me a minute.  That was just as hard to write, as it was to say when I began to tell my PTA friends that I would not be returning next year.  For the record - PTA friends are some of the BEST friends you will ever have!!) Let's be real - THIS IS GOING TO FEEL WEIRD - I've been PTA-involved since my very first meeting when I volunteered to be a committee chair, and yes, I still believe in the mission of PTA.   I will still pay my membership dues, and I will continue to be involved, just in a smaller capacity at the region level.  PTA Leaders get into this and do what we do for one reason.  It is because of our kids - they're our  #PTAWhy .  All of the committees, events, meetings with school leaders, and local, state, and federal legislators...every single one of them that I was ho...

It  has been a rough week for many of us who lost a friend this past week. But last night I heard Jim’s   own words on an old podcast, when he was talking about a  terrible loss in his own life.  So today I am reconciling that Jim has finished the work God created him to do and he has been called home to heaven.     There are soooo many people, very literally, all over this world that he introduced Jesus to over his entire lifetime, and so many of us still here who were challenged and changed by the example he lived.      A personal story - Our oldest son's middle name was given in honor of Jim, because of the impact and relationship he had with our family and most importantly, with my husband.   We spent a weekend with them in Indianapolis when Derek was still just a baby.   Jim was determined that he could make me a cup of coffee that I would like.  It was a mocha something-something...that still tasted like coffee....

WHEN I WAS A CHILD - I would spend hours going through the Christmas catalogs and then very carefully drafting my list for Santa in my very neatest handwriting (because neatness counts!) Even when I was "old enough to know better", I still longed for the magic of the season, so the list was still written and in a very stealth manner left on the kitchen table. CHRISTMAS 2020 - My children draft their Christmas lists in 30 minutes or less, and ask me if they should just text them to me. WHEN I WAS A CHILD - I don't remember how they would disappear for an entire day, but my parents would most likely travel to the closest small city to take advantage of shopping malls and toy stores, obviously without us in tow, to go Christmas shopping. CHRISTMAS 2020 - Tonight, Mr. D. and I sat here in our family room, he on his phone and I on my laptop, tap-tap-tapping away on our devices ordering items off of the previously mentioned texted shopping lists, and some additional pieces that...

My oldest son has just voted in his first presidential election. His younger brother, although wise in his 14 years, is still an impressionable young teenager who is watching how his parents and siblings react to current affairs. At 16 and a junior in high school, my daughter has become very opinionated about what she hears about or reads with regards to politics and social justice issues or sees on social media from the influencers that she follows. I don't mind her having a different opinion than me, I just prefer it to be an educated opinion that she has fully researched for herself to form an opinion, rather than what she reads and hears from social media, which is what I see her doing. My kids aren't oblivious to the reactions of people in the world: they've seen the protests, riots, and demonstrations on the news along with the phrase coined after the 2016 election of "not my president". Last night, Lil' Dude asked me how I would react if the candidate...

Winter Break. A rather odd week, that even after 20 years with kids in my school district, I have no idea what this week is for and why my kids get it off from school.  But there were no plans for the week other than pure relaxation.  Possibly assisting mom with who knows what project might come up, but really just a time to unwind from the daily norm. Our last full day there was pre-planned with two doctor appointments for mom.  Two doctors Two appointments Two reports that her blood work looked perfect Two reports that she was looking great T-14 days until her next PET scan.

I am officially calling 2019 - CLOSED. I am also officially calling GAME ON for the new year. I was writing in a journal this morning - a brand new, full of clean lined pages, journal - and Mr. D. caught on and asked me about it. Nope, not journaling.  Not really.  More like..."Note taking" I've been thinking about this over recent weeks, and I know that change is in order.  Look, I'm an advocate - it's what I do - I fight to make change happen.  And I recognize that I need to begin advocating for myself... More than meaningless New Year's Resolutions.  I know that I can't be everything and do everything, every day.  And in between watching my family grow up right before my eyes, my part-time paying job, and my full-time volunteer job - chaos is reigning.  But I can still take the time - little pieces, here and there, to find happiness again. Day 1 was a success - full of little steps, and I succeeded in not trying to take on the ...

The other day, I bit into a slice of pizza, and I burned my tongue.  You know,  the very tip of it.  The next day, it was sore and raw every time it rubbed against my front teeth. Also that next day, I bit the side of my tongue.  As in, it got in the way of my teeth and I bit down.  Hard. So now my tongue is burned on the tip, and has a big bump on the right, and it just hurts to eat or talk at all. I was feeling very sorry for myself. Then my thoughts went to my mom, as they often do these days. And I thought about how my mom's chemo treatment has given her multiple sores throughout her mouth and throat, making it difficult to eat ... anything,  Some days she eats whatever sounds good (even if she can't taste it).  Most days it's whatever is soft and palatable. ...and suddenly the "big bump" on my tongue no longer seems all that big, and I just need to suck it up and find some Listerine to swish in my mouth and move on with my day. The p...

This orange ribbon represents:  The kidney cancer that took her right kidney in 2006. The metastasized kidney cancer that took a section of her right lung in 2017. The cancer that has once again reared its ugly head on her spine and adrenal gland. Kidney cancer is a reality in our family. Mom has been quick to remind us, her doctor, and the hospital staff - "There are others who have it much worse than I."  And she's right...it's obvious with every moment that is spent at her oncologist's office or on the oncology floor at the hospital when we encounter the other warriors.   This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that my mom is home from the hospital after a short stay for dehydration.  I am thankful that I have this time to spend with her.   I am thankful that God is still good. ~C.

I feel as though I should preface this post with a disclaimer...  About a year and a half ago...at the ripe "old" age of 45, I would find myself melting into what I THOUGHT was a hot flash.  Everyday.  Like clockwork.  At the same time of the day.  However, they weren't debilitating.  They didn't warrant me changing outfits before work because I had sweat through my clothes.  I didn't actually "look" like the hot mess I was feeling. On the inside, I was doing an internal happy jig!!  32 years of visits from "Flo" , feminine products, and cramps.  A menstrual cycle that has changed dramatically with every child born AND every miscarriage, has NEVER been predictable, and has been accompanied by migraine headaches in recent years.  If these little temperature surges that I had begun to experience were a sign that "the change" was beginning...I was putting out the Welcome mat for this next chapter in life!!  (Hot) Flash Forw...

It was December 14th, 2012. On that day.... I spent the afternoon at my kids' school watching my 1st grader and his classmates perform their Christmas concert for all of my fellow parents and grandparents.  First and Second Graders were singing together, bringing joy into the season. I watched them all, recognizing many of the faces, probably able to name most of them if I really thought long and hard enough. On that day...hundreds of miles away in Newtown, Connecticut, students were also at school with the excitement of Christmas being only days away. I can't even begin to fathom 20 less angelic voices  than those that I heard at my school on that day. On that day...there were elementary students in Connecticut who had spent the past few months making new friends who should've been friends for life as classmates.  At the end of the day they were left wondering why nobody ever told them about these scary, sad days at school. ...because these scary, sad d...

"The Elf", who is affectionately known as Jingles in our house, has been around for many, MANY years. He's a roly-poly sort-of elf, who shows up every year, looking like he has spent his time at the North Pole trying just a little too hard to channel his inner-Santa by growing a full beard that is completely out of control.  However, he has been part of Christmas with our family long before THE OTHER ELF was the cool thing to do - sometimes he can be uber-mischievous, and at other times, we hardly have even known he's around (or remembered, if I'm being really honest). I woke up this December 1st, and made my way into the family room, and there he was.  (Like the creepy stalker that he is) I had a discussion with him that these "lil' people" are now 18, 14, and 12...and MAYBE they had outgrown him and the need to be stalked  watched over.  (I'm pretty sure a baby reindeer died at the North Pole when I said that) I talked about how my ki...

I've been sitting on this for the past 7 days, contemplating how to pull out all of the thoughts that were filling my head and had been trying to claw their way out.  Yet each time I sat down and started to type, the thoughts were silenced, and my fingers hovered merely over my keyboard, not knowing where to go. Sometimes it's a good thing to sit and ponder on all of those thoughts for awhile. So I'm sitting here a week later, the thoughts are still here in my head, and I'm much less of an emotional mom-mess.  Three weeks ago, my 18-year old FINALLY got his driver's license.  I don't care what anyone says, the first day that your child gets behind the wheel and drives off on his own...even when it is just a short distance away to his friend's house, you Just.  Stop.  Breathing.    And you don't start breathing again until the car has pulled back into the driveway (Heaven forbid, should an emergency vehicle drive by with lights and siren...

It was just five short days ago when I hugged you goodbye and told you I loved you. Today I wish I could have just one more hour with you. I think we should have tea, for you were the one to gift me my first tea set as a young girl.  I'm certain that it was probably mere water and crackers that we dined on outside on that sunny day for our impromptu tea party, but we "clinked" tea cups and raised our pinky fingers as if we were at a proper garden party. However, knowing our shared love of family history, I would also take the opportunity to ask you to name every wife, every child, and every grandchild of all of those "Hulbert boys".  Lord knows, I've heard their names so many times in your house as you would update on how the family was doing. But this time I would write it down. I would listen intently as you relayed to me the Hulbert family that you've researched for years.  I know I've researched it too, but you were our original family ...

That's the one word that describes the weekend I just returned from.  (Okay, so maybe it's technically TWO words, but since it is hyphenated, that counts, right?) After just returning home from NY State PTAs annual convention, I HAVE to sit here and get some thoughts down before too much time passes.  It was inspiring, exciting, motivating, and just chock-full of "aha!" moments where I was challenged personally. To be fair, there was a point when I was more nervous than I cared to let on.  Being a part of the Resolutions Committee, this weekend was the moment when all of our team's hard work came to a head with our work placed in front of the delegates for discussion, possible debate, and hopefully their approval.  This was work that we began on this year's resolutions in June, and there may have been a collective breath of relief when the final update was accepted and passed by our membership. However, when I wasn't in the Resolutions Zone, I wa...